Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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