end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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