I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
BRING THE BAGELS
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
