I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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