Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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