The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
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