Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
