I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
