nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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