No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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