I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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