every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
