I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
