I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
