i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
