Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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