The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
