a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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