I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
