My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
