She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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