i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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