her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
