I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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