just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
