I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
