Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
