I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
