this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
