Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Randomize
