I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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