My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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