Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
