girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
