I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
