I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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