Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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