I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
