Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
