i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
