You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
