you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
