Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
