No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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