And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
