she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
