Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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