Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
