I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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