i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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