and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
